


Baby Gay Memories

by swanqueenfic13



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Baby Gay Alex Danvers, Baby Gay Memories, Childhood Memories, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Manipulation, F/F, Flashbacks, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Internalized Homophobia, Memories, Repressed Memories, childhood crushes, past crushes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-24
Updated: 2017-06-02
Packaged: 2018-09-26 16:33:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9911447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swanqueenfic13/pseuds/swanqueenfic13
Summary: “Do you ever just… you remember things from when you were a kid and… I don’t know how it took me this long to figure it out, Mags because I was so gay,” she explains, laughing so hard she’s practically crying.“Oh most of us do have those memories,” Maggie says softly. “I had plenty of crushes on friends growing up. Which memory of yours made you laugh?” Alex just exhales softly, fiddling with her fingers while looking up at the ceiling, a soft, nostalgic smile on her face.Or: Alex is remembering some of those little gay crushes she had growing up (and Maggie does, too!)





	1. When I Was in the Third Grade...

Alex let out a soft laugh while resting her head in Maggie’s lap. It was a chilly, rainy Sunday afternoon where luckily neither one of them had to work. Neither of them were speaking, both content to just sit in silence and be together. Maggie was running her hands through Alex’s hair but she paused when Alex chuckled again. She raises an eyebrow, curious.

“Something funny?” she asks. Alex looks up to smile at her.

“Do you ever just… you remember things from when you were a kid and… I don’t know how it took me this long to figure it out, Mags because I was  _ so gay _ ,” she explains, laughing so hard she’s practically crying.

“Oh most of us do have those memories,” Maggie says softly. “I had plenty of crushes on friends growing up. Which memory of yours made you laugh?” Alex just exhales softly, fiddling with her fingers while looking up at the ceiling, a soft, nostalgic smile on her face.

“My third grade student teacher.” Maggie just nods, encouraging her to go on. So Alex did.

 

_ She came to their classroom after the new year. Her name was Ms. Whitman but Alex heard some of the other teachers call her Courtney. She was a grownup but she wasn’t old or wrinkly like their teacher Mrs. Seymour, nor was she cranky and bossy like her parents. She was cool like Jenny Palmer’s older cousin Lilly. And Alex just wanted her attention. All the time. And she knew just how to get it. _

 

_ “Good job this week, Alex,” she smiled as she passed back the spelling test. There was a big 100 on top with a smiley face. Alex beamed at the praise, wiggling in her seat. Daddy always tells her she’s a great speller and Mom thinks she should try for the county spelling bee next year when she’s old enough. Alex Danvers is a great speller.  _

_ But Ms. Whitman just hands back her papers with a smile and a ‘good job’ before moving on to someone else. Like Kelly Jameson who always mixes up her words and uses ‘speaked’ instead of ‘spoke’ and ‘writed’ instead of ‘wrote’. She pays more attention to those kids than Alex. So one day while working in their daily writing journals, Alex thought. _

_ She chewed on the eraser of her pencil nervously before going back and changing the words. It kind of hurt her heart to do it. She liked when Ms. Whitman and her parents called her a good speller. The  _ best _ speller. She liked it a lot. But if she changed her words so it looked like she was having trouble, Ms. Whitman would come kneel next to her desk to help her. And maybe Alex could smell her flower perfume and it would all be okay.  _

_ So she took the eraser from her mouth and changed ‘loose’ to ‘lose’ and ‘chose’ to ‘choose’. And the next day, Ms. Whitman did indeed come to kneel next to Alex to explain why these words were wrong. Alex smelled her flower shampoo and her perfume that smelled like cookies and Ms. Whitman smiled at her and said she was still a number one speller in her book. Alex liked that. _

 

_ One day at recess, Alex was sitting in a corner of the playground, legs curled underneath her as she read her book. Suddenly, two fifth grade boys came running over, standing far apart to throw a football back and forth. Alex barely even noticed that she was right in the middle of them until one of them threw the ball funny and it came right at her head, knocking her to the ground. Alex cried and the teacher watching recess came running over. _

_ It was Ms. Whitman.  _

_ She took Alex inside to calm down, sitting at her desk while Alex sniffled. Alex tried to be a big girl and stop crying while Ms. Whitman asked her how much it hurt and how it happened. She didn’t want Ms. Whitman to think she was a whiny baby. So Alex stopped crying and used her pencils to make a model and show her exactly what happened. When Alex tells her that her head really hurts because it was a real football that hit her, Ms. Whitman offers to bring her to the nurse. _

_ Her hand is warm and bigger than Alex’s. Alex pretends to be scared of the nurse so that Ms. Whitman stays to hold her hand.  _

 

_ At the end of the year, they had a big goodbye party for Ms. Whitman. During gym class, she came to play dodgeball with them. Of course everyone wanted to be picked for Ms. Whitman’s team but they had to make it fair so Alex ended up on the other team. And she just had to stand on the other side of the gym and watch as Ms. Whitman laughed and jumped around to dodge the balls. _

_ She gave everyone a little photo album with pictures of the things they did together as a class. When Alex went home that day, she clutched hers to her chest because Ms. Whitman had written her a special note: ‘to my number one speller. I had a great time teaching you. I know you’ll do well in fourth grade!’ Alex cried when she realized she’d never see Ms. Whitman again.  _

_ She was always her favorite teacher. _

 

“Wow, that was really gay, Danvers,” Maggie teases. But she kisses Alex to let her know it was harmless.

“Very gay,” Alex agrees.

“The gayest of the gays. Lesbianic, actually.” 

“And it took me twenty more years to actually realize,” Alex sighs.

“It took so long, but it led you to me so… That’s all I care about,” Maggie whispers. She knows it’s sappy and stupid but it feels right. They feel right. 

“Going soft on me, Sawyer?” Alex asks, stretching up to kiss her.

“Only for you, Danvers,” Maggie whispers against her lips.


	2. Science Partners

“I bet you were everyone’s favorite science partner in school, babe,” Maggie smiles, leaning against the doorframe. She had agreed to meet Alex at the DEO before they went back to Maggie’s place for dinner and a movie. When she arrived, she was directed to Alex’s lab where she was analyzing some samples from Supergirl’s latest fight with a rogue alien. Alex wore a plastic black lab apron over leggings and a long-sleeved DEO t-shirt, bright yellow plastic gloves and the thick protective goggles over her glasses.

“Only because they wanted me to do all the work for them,” Alex mutters ruefully before turning around, blushing and hurrying to pull off the goggles and try and fix her hair. “Are you early or am I late?”

“I’m a few minutes early. Don’t be embarrassed, keep working. You look hot in all that science stuff,” Maggie whispers, grabbing Alex’s hands to pull her into a kiss. Alex smiles and leans into the kiss before Maggie pulls away, leaving her with a smile. “So, you were the nerd everyone wanted to use for grades in school?” Maggie teases, moving to sit on an empty lab bench to watch Alex get back to work, bending over a microscope.

“Uh, yeah. Except for one girl. Sixth grade. I mean, she was probably using me but she was way nicer about it.” There’s a dreamy quality to her voice that tells Maggie she’s smiling.

“Was she another one of your baby gay crushes that you didn’t realize were crushes?” Alex laughs.

“Thinking about it now, probably, yeah.” Alex chuckles to herself, moving to take the sample out from under the microscope and put it into the machine to run some tests. They’ll take all night so she moves to take Maggie’s hand and lead her out the door. “Don’t worry though, babe. You’re prettier.”

 

_ It was the first day of sixth grade and Alex Danvers was ready to be in a real science class and do experiments. She couldn't wait to get into her seats. Thankfully, due to Mrs. Davos’ seating chart, she was sitting front and center. She was partnered with a boy named Cameron who everyone said was the  _ cutest _ boy in the sixth grade and wasn't Alex lucky that she got to be partners with him? Alex didn't think he was anything special. Sure, his eyes were a pretty hazel color but he wasn't too smart and he talked to Alex like she was a baby sometimes (as  _ if _ she didn't know what tectonic plates were; she certainly didn't need him to explain them). So when Mrs. Davos decided to change seats halfway through the year, Alex was a little relieved. Because now she didn't have to pretend to be enamored with him like all the other girls.  _

_ But then Alex got the seating chart and she was now sitting in the back corner of the room, farthest away from the board. The teacher later explained that she knew that Alex knew what she was doing and didn't need to keep her close to keep a close eye on her but Alex still didn't really like it. Plus now she was partners with the most popular girl in school and some people said she was really mean to people who weren't popular. So she wasn't sure how to act with this girl, Kenzie.  _

_ And then she smiled and sat down next to Alex. She made some stupid joke about science and Alex laughed awkwardly and blushed. It was the start of a great partnership. Every day Alex would take notes and when they broke off to work on group experiments or projects, Kenzie would turn her whole body to face Alex while she explained things. Alex found she was doing most of the work but Kenzie was different from Cameron and she was so much nicer than Alex thought.  _

_ Alex went home almost everyday telling her parents stories about Kenzie. “Kenzie said that her favorite rocks are sedimentary rocks” and “isn't that crazy because igneous rocks are  _ literally  _ lava which is so awesome.” And her mother asked when she became friends with Kenzie but her dad would just smile and let her go on and on about how cool she was and wasn't it so great that she was nice to Alex and she was so smart even if she didn't always try so hard on tests.  _

_ After sixth grade, Alex didn't have any more classes with Kenzie. But whenever she saw Alex in the halls she would smile brightly and ask about her day and Alex would blush and beam whenever she thought about it for hours after.  _

 

“Oh my god, I was so gay,” Alex murmurs to herself later that night when she lets herself think about it. Maggie, who was laying naked next to her tangled up in bedsheets and post coital bliss, just laughed. 

“Well I’d hope so Danvers, considering what we just did.” Alex just blushed and playfully shoved Maggie's shoulder. Because that's not what she was referring to but it fits just as well so… she's not all that sorry about it because from sixth grade to now she has only gotten gayer and she is  _ loving it.  _


	3. Mentors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I wanna know about your… baby gay crushes,” Alex finally says. She says it mostly into the cupboard but Maggie hears it just fine and raises a teasing eyebrow, dimples out in full force when Alex turns to go sit at the table.  
> “Wanna hear about the time a pretty girl called me ‘kid’ and I basically forgot how to play my instrument?”

“So, who were yours?” Alex asks one evening. It was Saturday evening, their proposed ‘dinner night’. When Maggie realized how little Alex actually cooked for herself, she decided that at least once a week she had to make a real meal for her girlfriend. Alex was sitting at the counter just watching Maggie making an old family recipe for her. Maggie was wearing one of Alex’s old flannels and leggings while Alex wore her old Stanford sweatshirt and running shorts. Maggie half turns to quirk an eyebrow up at Alex.

“My what?” Alex just blushes, grinning and shrugging.

“Well, like… we talk a lot about the… the, like, girls? From when I was a… Before I like, knew, y’know?” Maggie nods encouragingly. “I wanted… Did you, like…” Alex mumbles something quickly, half spoken into her shoulder and Maggie doesn’t have a prayer of figuring out what it was. Maggie pauses in transferring the food from the pots to the plates to throw an incredulous look over her shoulder.

“Babe, I can speak nearly twelve different alien languages plus English and Italian but I didn’t get a word of what you just said,” Maggie teases. Alex fiddles with her shirt while she talks while Maggie puts the plates on the tables and reaches for the wine bottle. Alex immediately moves to grab the glasses from the cupboard since Maggie can’t reach.

“I wanna know about your… baby gay crushes,” Alex finally says. She says it mostly into the cupboard but Maggie hears it just fine and raises a teasing eyebrow, dimples out in full force when Alex turns to go sit at the table.

“My what now?”

“That’s what you called them last week!” Alex is blushing when she collapses into the seat, pouring herself a healthy glass of wine to mask her embarrassment. Maggie chuckles and grabs the bottle before the glass gets too full.

“Wait, wait, wait, Al,” Maggie laughs. “I’m just teasing, relax. I did have plenty of baby gay crushes. Granted, I recognized them for what they were a little bit earlier, but, that’s different.” Alex quirks her mouth to the side, cheeks turning pink. She wonders what life would’ve been like if she  _ had _ figured it out earlier in life. Would she have been happier? Would she have asked Maggie out when they first met? Maggie’s voice gently brought her back to the present. “Al? Hey, you know it’s okay that it took you a while longer.” Maggie reaches out and tangles their finger.

“No, no, I know,” Alex nods, clearing her throat. She forces herself to forget about the what ifs and move on. “But I do wanna know. About your baby gay crushes.”

“Wanna hear about the time a pretty girl called me ‘kid’ and I basically forgot how to play my instrument?”

“Instrument?” Alex asks.

“Oh, I played trumpet. She was my section leader and my mentor for the year. I was basically in love with her.” Maggie shrugs and moves to twirl the pasta around her fork, telling the story in between bites.

 

_ “Hey, Margaret, right?” Sarah was a senior, blonde and blue-eyed, like most of the people in Blue Springs, Nebraska. Maggie stood out with her dark skin, brown eyes and dark hair. She tried to tell people she was Italian but everyone still called her and her family “border bunnies” (“But guys, I was born in the same hospital as you! My parents’ families came over from Italy in the 1920’s!” she’s tried to argue). They called her “housekeeping” in a high-pitched voice, they called her an anchor baby, they called her anything but her name. So when Sarah called her by name, Maggie smiled and Maggie turned. _

_ “Um, I go by Maggie, actually,” she squeaked out nervously. Because she wasn’t even in high school yet (she was one of the select few eighth graders allowed to join the high school marching band and perform and travel with them) and she certainly didn’t want to make enemies with someone as pretty and popular as Sarah seemed. _

_ “Maggie then. You wanna come sit with us?” Sarah smiled gently and waved Maggie over to join her and her friends under a tree and in a shady patch of pavement. She tried to balance her styrofoam plate with pizza, cookies, chips and a lemonade in her hands as she hurried over, eager to be included. Because it was the first day of band camp, taking place in the hot summer sun in the parking lot as they learned songs and formations and steps and Maggie hadn’t made any real friends yet, but Sarah was a senior and Sarah was a section leader and Sarah was asking her to sit. So she did. _

_ After that, it just became a thing. Maggie the only eighth grade trumpet player, Maggie the weirdo who was really good at the trumpet even though she never practiced, Maggie the science nerd, Maggie the border bunny who wasn’t actually a border bunny (she noticed that particular brand of name-calling stopped after Sarah had found her in the bathroom crying about it one day at an after school rehearsal), Maggie the forgotten middle schooler was best friends with Sarah Drew, the Homecoming Queen  _ and _ Prom Queen. Maggie thought it was great. _

 

_ In the spring, they went on the annual band trip. This year, they were going to Washington, D.C. to perform at some festival thing. Maggie didn’t particularly care about that. She just wanted to go on the trip and hang out with her friends. (She was still sometimes in awe that she actually had friends like this). So the day the band director handed out a permission slip for only the freshmen, Maggie went running to Sarah. _

_ “Aw, you need a chaperone, wittle Maggie?” Sarah had teased. But she ruffled Maggie’s hair and smiled to let her know it wasn’t done in malice. She immediately grabbed a pen. “Sure, I’ll be your chaperone. Besides, it’s either me or Mrs. Jarvis, isn’t it?” She laughed. Mrs. Jarvis was the oldest volunteer in the band. Even her grandkids had aged out of the band years ago but she still came because she loved the music. She was nice, but Maggie would rather stay with Sarah the entire trip. “There ya go, Mags. Now you just need your mom to sign off and I’ll be charged with making sure you don’t wander off in DC.” Maggie beamed, taking the paper and shoving it into her back before hurrying off to ride her bike home. Getting her parents to sign off on this would be easy. _

 

_ “I don’t know, Margaret,” her mother sighed, pinching the bridge between her nose as she puts the paper down on the table. _

_ “Mama,” Maggie whined. _

_ “We’ve never met this girl! And now you want us to send you halfway across the country- without us- and just leave you in the care of this girl who we’ve never met? She’s a child! She’s barely even eighteen. And you’ve never let us meet her! What is she, a drug addict? Does she get you alcohol? Why won’t you let us meet her?” _

_ “Mama! She’s not a druggie,” Maggie scoffs. “She’s just- she’s my friend and I didn’t want you and Pop to embarrass me,” she finishes in a small, scared voice. Her parents didn’t know just how isolated she had felt at school before now. They didn’t know because Maggie didn’t want to worry them. But she also didn’t want them scaring away one of the only real friends Maggie has made since elementary school. _

_ “Your mother’s right,” Pop chimed in from the living room, abandoning the couch to weigh in on the conversation. Maggie groaned. “Let us meet the girl,  _ topolina _. I want to make sure  _ mi tesoro _ is safe in the mean streets of the capital.” He ruffles Maggie’s hair then.  _

_ “Fine,” she huffs, crossing her arms in front of her chest dramatically. _

_ “Ah, relax, Maggie. Really, it’s not like we’re asking to meet the boy you like. She’s just a friend!” _

 

“So I’m assuming this story happened before you came out,” Alex deadpanned. Maggie playfully whacked her in the stomach.

“Would you let me finish the story, Danvers?” Alex waves her hands as if to say, ‘do, go on.’ So Maggie does.

 

_ So, the next day after band practice, Maggie has her mother come inside to pick her up rather than wait outside and she makes sure Sarah is nearby. When she sees her mother enter the crowded band room, she jumps to get her attention and waves her over. Sarah chuckles fondly and Maggie blushes. _

_ “Mama, this is my friend Sarah. She’s the one who’s going to chaperone me. Sarah, this is my mom,” Maggie says, trying to ignore her nerves.  _

_ “Hi, Mrs. Sawyer. I’m Sarah Drew.” She holds out her hand to shake Maggie’s mom’s and Maggie can tell from the way her mom is smiling that this is going well. _

_ “Ah, well, nice to finally meet you, Sarah. I don’t know if my Margaret told you this, but I wanted to meet you before we signed this permission slip. We can’t just send our only baby halfway across the country with a stranger, could we?” Her mother pinches Maggie’s cheeks and Sarah is giggling and Maggie is squirming, blushing, and there’s a warmth in her belly. Almost like butterflies. _

_ “Mama,” she whispers harshly, pulling away from her. _

_ “Oh, Maggie, let her love you,” Sarah smiles. And immediately, Maggie relaxes, steps a little closer to her mother. “My parents did the same thing when my older sister went on her first trip. It’s not weird.” _

_ “I like this girl, Margaret. She’s smart about these things,” her mom stage-whispered. Sarah smiled at her again. _

_ “Yeah, Margaret,” Sarah teased gently, ruffling Maggie’s hair. Maggie blushed and Sarah politely excused herself to go drive her neighbor to their piano lessons. As Maggie and her mom walk to the car, Maggie beams. _

_ “I’ll sign the paper. She seems like a nice enough girl.” Maggie grins and hugs her mom and skips ahead to the car, not fully listening as her mom rambles on and on about her rules for the trip. _

 

_ For the entire trip, Maggie was glued to Sarah’s side. Except for the few times she got curious about something and wandered off. Which happened more than a few times. Especially when they went to the national air and space museum (which had just recently added an exhibit focusing on Superman which Maggie couldn’t tear her eyes away from- she  _ loved _ aliens).  _

_ Eventually, Sarah made a joke that she should keep Maggie on a leash. Then, she grabbed the school lanyard (which they were required to wear for the duration of the trip) and clipped Maggie’s to her own. They only kept it there for a few minutes, to laugh and take a picture. But for the rest of the trip (and the rest of the school year) Sarah joked about keeping her little middle schooler on a lanyard leash and Maggie had loved it. _

 

“I realized I was gay the next year. My parents found out… shortly after…” she clears her throat for a moment and Alex tilts her head, curious. But Maggie just smiles at her and continues, “And the rest, as they say, is history,” Maggie says with a smile.

“What?! That’s it? You never even told me about when she called you ‘kid’ and you forgot how to play your instru-thingy!” Alex splutters.

“Instru-thingy?” Maggie teases. Alex glares. “Okay, okay,” Maggie acquiesced. “To be fair, though, it happened like, all the time. She’d tell me I was the best trumpet player she’d seen my age and then when we started again I’d be so out of tune because I couldn’t stop smiling. And right before we went to perform in DC, she said ‘good luck, kid, I know you’ll knock it out of the park’ or something like that because I had a solo and I almost missed my cue to come in because I was so flustered.”

“That’s cute.” Alex just intertwines their fingers, glad that she isn’t the only one sometimes overwhelmed by pretty girls (mostly her girlfriend). 

“Yeah, whatever. I still think yours are cuter. Like when you purposely misspelled words so that the student teacher would come work with you. Like, I can just see a tiny Alex, sitting there and thinking  _ ‘how can I get the pretty teacher to spend more time with me? Oh! I can spell stuff wrong.’ _ Oh, you were  _ so gay _ , babe,” Maggie teases.

“Why don’t you let me show you just how gay I am?” Alex asks with hooded eyes, standing to pull Maggie in the direction of the bedroom. Maggie wants to laugh but she’s also sort of turned on at her girlfriend’s confidence. So she just leaves her nicely cooked dinner to go join Alex in the bedroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I've been really enjoying these stories! However, I wanted to ask you guys something. Some of the baby gay memories I had weren't necessarily with girls. They were situations with guys that made me realize they weren't for me. One of the situations I'd want to write about would include a slightly dubcon/noncon situation. I wanted to check with you guys and see if that's something you'd be okay with me posting in this same work? I'll be sure to put plenty of warnings and you can absolutely skip it if you like but I wanted to make sure I won't trigger anyone or anything. So, leave me a comment to let me know what you'd think about this! 
> 
> Or, just leave me a comment if you'd enjoy this chapter or if you have a memory you want to see depicted!!


	4. Best Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex had Vicky and Maggie had Eliza.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings for some homophobia when Maggie's talking.
> 
> Also, I tried to keep these close to canon but I also wanted them to mimic my own experiences (moreso with Alex's than Maggie's since we didn't have as much canon info so I could play around with the details to match mine) so keep that in mind while reading! Enjoy!

“You know,” Alex whispered softly the morning after their Valentine’s Day prom. “I- I had an Eliza Wilkey. Sort of.” Maggie, still waking up, rolls over on her side, waiting for Alex to clarify. “‘Not like- I’m not trying to minimize what you went through or anything or make it all about me, but I wanted you to know that… I sort of understand? Like, obviously it was very different for me, but I just… I thought… you should know?” Maggie smiles sleepily. It still hurt to think about Eliza, even years later, but somehow being warm here in bed with Alex, safe and protected and so, so  _ loved _ (even if they hadn’t said it yet, they knew they both felt it), it was easier to think about.

“Yeah?” Maggie croaked, voice still thick with sleep. She started to play with the strands of Alex’s hair that were tickling her nose. Alex hums and leans into her touch.

“Mhmm. When I started… realizing that… y’know... I’m  _ gay _ -” Maggie is proud every time Alex says it out loud because she knew it had been difficult for Alex to get to this point, where it rolls off of her tongue so quickly, so easily, so obviously like it had always  _ been _ there- “-she was the first person I thought about. And when I was trying to tell Kara, I ended up talking about her.”

“Can I ask what her name was?” Maggie asks, combing her fingers through Maggie’s hair. Alex smiles and wraps one arm around Maggie’s waist, tugging her closer- always closer- before nodding and kissing her cheek.

“Her name was Vicky Donahue and she was my best friend.” And maybe it was the way Alex almost seemed to sigh her name, the way Maggie could taste the regret and the sadness and confusion and  _ relief _ (that she was normal, that her feelings were normal, that what she went through did not make her  _ wrong _ or  _ dirty _ or  _ bad _ , that she wasn’t alone in feeling this). Maybe it was the way Alex held her just a little tighter so that Maggie could feel her love. Whatever it was, it made Maggie smile, made her heart skip a beat, made her pull Alex closer, made her ask.

“Tell me about her?” She nuzzles her head under Alex’s chin, feeling her heartbeat. She feels and hears Alex swallow.

“I met her in band class,” she says softly. Maggie just smiles and nuzzles closer to Alex as she tells the story

 

_ Alex had been a flute player since the sixth grade. So when the band director asked for volunteers to switch to clarinet, she had hesitated. Because she was  _ good _ at the flute. And why start a new instrument now? No, she was perfectly fine where she was. No need to start over learning a completely new instrument. But then, when no one volunteered, he pulled Alex aside to ask her personally. _

_ “But Mr. Roberts, I’m good at the flute. Why do I have to switch?” she said petulantly. _

_ “I want you to switch because I believe you can handle it. You’re not just good at the flute, Alexandra. You’re good at  _ music _. And I know you’re dedicated. I trust you to be able to put in the extra work required to learn a new instrument. If you’d like, I can help you find a professional clarinet teacher to help you. I can also give you some class time to go out and learn along with the other student I’ve asked to switch,” he’d explained patiently.  _

_ “Okay,” Alex said softly, trying not to appear visibly cowed.  _

_ “Excellent!” Mr. Roberts shouted, bouncing on his toes. “Let me get you one of the school clarinets. You’ll probably want to wash the mouthpiece and sanitize it for today or you could get yourself a new one. And then you and Miss Donahue can head out into the auditorium to get to work. If you’re having trouble, I can send one of the older students out to work with you,” he continues, rambling on as he went. Alex stopped listening; she was more focused on trying to find this Vicky girl. _

 

_ Very quickly, Alex and Vicky became best friends. Looking back, neither of them can pinpoint the exact moment when they became inseparable. Maybe it was sometime over those two months when they’d go out into the auditorium alone together and pass their time by playing melodies back and forth, laughing over squawked notes and missed key signatures. Maybe it was from sitting next to each other and making whispered comments to each other. Either way, it became clear by December of that year that Alex and Vicky were a package deal. Where one went, you’d find the other not too far behind. And Alex loved every second of it. _

 

_ Alex hated Vicky’s new boyfriend Randy. _

_ He was older than her and he was creepy. He got high all the time and he wasn’t as smart as Vicky and he didn’t have any direction in life. He was a senior while they were sophomores and he had no idea what he wanted to do after high school. Alex knew it was unrealistic for everyone to have the same detailed plans she did (Metropolis University for undergrad then on to Dartmouth or Johns Hopkins for med school then a residency at a top hospital and a fellowship at a research clinic before taking a job at a lab to do research on preventative medicine and bioengineering). She knew it was unrealistic but shouldn’t he have some idea beyond ‘watching the soccer game on at three this afternoon’? _

_ “I just think… I think you can do better,” Alex tried to explain when Vicky asked. They were laying in Vicky’s bed parallel with each other, Vicky on her side to look at Alex while Alex laid on her back and played with the ends of her sweater. _

_ “He makes me happy, Lexie, isn’t that enough?” She was the  _ only _ one in the world who could get away with calling Alexandra Danvers ‘Lexie’- she had been Alex since she could talk and no one was going to change that. Except for Vicky. _

_ “I want you to be happy,” Alex sighs. She really did. But why wasn’t Alex enough? Why wasn’t sitting here, laughing and talking and wrapped around each other while they watched trashy TV enough? Wasn’t Alex good enough? “I do,” she added softer. Vicky just nodded, silently pulling Alex closer to her and tracing patterns on her skin while turning on the TV in her room. _

 

_ Alex first noticed it when she was a junior. _

_ They were sitting in the band room- they were always sitting in the band room when they were at school; it had quickly become their hangout. They were sitting there, practicing a particularly difficult run in the new piece of music they’d gotten. Vicky was sat on Alex’s right. Her brow was furrowed and she tapped a pencil against her lips as she read the music to try and figure out how to count the beats.  _

_ Alex’s gaze dropped to Vicky’s lips. It was weird, Alex thought. She was a junior and the only time she’d kissed a boy, it had been a boy she hadn’t really liked but he thought she was pretty and who was she to say no, right? She wasn’t like Vicky (or even Kara- she had barely been here for a year but already she had boys lining up to kiss her); Alex didn’t have people lining up to kiss her so when Matt had asked her to hang out, she’d said yes and she’d kissed him when he first asked but it was unpleasant and she attributed the lack of sparks to him forcing the kiss. _

_ So, Alex hadn’t had a  _ real _ first kiss. Not an enjoyable one. Not a Nicholas Sparks worthy, foot-popping kiss. And she certainly hadn’t spent much time thinking about guys’ lips. But now, she was looking at Vicky’s. Her gaze was drawn there like a magnet. They were pinker than Alex’s, a little thicker, too. There was an indent on the bottom lip from where Vicky tended to bite it and they were chapped from the harsh winter air, split open and cracked in one spot. And all of a sudden, Alex was struck with the undeniable urge to lean over and press her lips to Vicky’s. _

_ She visibly startled in her seat. _

_ “You good?” Vicky asks, glancing over with one eyebrow raised. Alex nods mutely. _

_ “Just- uh, shocked myself,” she lied. Vicky nodded and returned her attention to the music, absent-mindedly practicing the fingerings on her instrument. Alex hesitantly let her mind wander back to its previous train of thought. _

_ She could see it. She could  _ see _ herself leaning over. She could be bold for just that moment, lean over and place a gentle kiss on Vicky’s lips. It would be soft, she figured. And warm, probably. Vicky was always soft where Alex had muscles from running and from surfing and from swimming. She was warm and smelled like vanilla while Alex always seemed to smell like seaweed and sweat. Alex let herself imagine for a moment how it would feel, how easy, how right it would feel to just kiss her best friend and go about their day as if it was nothing special, nothing out of the ordinary. _

_ But it was. It was because Alex was straight and Vicky was straight and Vicky was still dating Randy and Alex had just been telling Vicky about how cute that boy from the mall was, so she couldn’t  _ like _ Vicky. It was just because they’d been spending so much more time together when Alex was trying to avoid her mother and her expectations. And Alex was tired and of course Alex loved Vicky, she was just confused about the way she loved her, that was all. Just confused and tired and very, very straight. _

_ Still, the seed had been planted. And Alex couldn’t make it go away. _

_ Whenever Alex saw Vicky and Randy kissing, she’d wish it was her. There would be a white hot flurry of anger in her belly and she’d clench her fists. Then she quickly corrected herself because who the hell was she to be jealous of her best friend’s boyfriend? Clearly, she didn’t want to actually kiss Vicky, she reasoned. She was just transferring her frustration because she hadn’t kissed anyone and Vicky wasn’t spending as much time with her so it was all Freudian transference and stuff, right? (Alex had been taking AP Psych and found it very helpful in figuring out what the hell was wrong with her). But Vicky noticed her frustration, noticed Alex snapping at her and pulling away. _

_ And then they started fighting. And everyone was used to Vicky and Alex bickering; just because they were best friends didn’t mean they didn’t fight. But normally, they fought like an old married couple: bickering, snipes, playful taunts. Never anything meant to hurt. But now, now their words felt like knives, felt like death and pain and destruction, prying them apart.  _

_ Alex couldn’t remember what the final wedge was. Maybe it was Alex laughing derisively when Vicky said she wanted to go to a local college so she could stay with Randy. Maybe it was Vicky remarking how Alex was getting needier and needier as they got older. Maybe it was when Vicky beat Alex out for first chair. Maybe it was when Alex stole that solo out from under Vicky. Maybe it was when Alex went into the diner for her and Vicky’s standing Friday night dinner to find Randy and Vicky, cuddled up in  _ their _ booth and Vicky just assumed it was okay to start bringing him. _

_ Whatever it was, Vicky and Alex stopped talking to each other. It took years for Alex to really figure out why. _

 

“Classic,” Maggie smiled. 

“Hmmm?” Alex hummed in confusion.

“That’s a classic thing for queer kids. They fall in love with their straight best friends and it breaks their hearts,” Maggie explains, a note of sadness in her voice. She sighed heavily. Eliza Wilkey was still a fresh wound, even after all this time. And she knew that Vicky was probably a sore subject for Alex, too, but Maggie had so much family baggage on top of her story and she didn’t even know how to start unpacking it.

“So you… Yours was Eliza?” Alex asks quietly. Maggie nods silently. “You can tell me, if you want,” she says after a beat. Quickly, she adds, “or you don’t have to! We can just get up and have coffee and pretend I never even suggested it.” 

“I can wait a bit on coffee,” Maggie replies softly. She knew there was a lot to unpack here, but maybe this could be a place to start. Maybe Alex could help her. “I wanna… I wanna tell you about it.” And, Maggie finds, she really  _ did _ want to talk. And once she started, it was hard to stop.

 

_ Maggie met Eliza on the first day of her freshman year. Thanks to their last names being at the end of the alphabet, they had homeroom together and Eliza had sat down next to Maggie, new to the school, new to town, new to the state. So of course, Maggie latched onto her before anyone else could tell them how weird Maggie was, how nerdy Maggie was, how lonely Maggie was.  _

_ And Maggie knew that her feelings for Eliza were different. She had spent the majority of her summer doing some soul searching. When she visited her aunt Liz in the city, she had gone to a few local parties and kissed some boys, gotten drunk, kissed some girls. So Maggie knew she was different. She kept her feelings close to her chest, afraid to scare away the one friend she had made. _

_ The first time she realized she loved Eliza was at Christmas time. Maggie’s family had invited Eliza to their big family party and the girls were having a great time, running around and eating food and listening to the Christmas music. But then, Eliza got caught under the mistletoe with Maggie’s cousin Bobby. All of the adults had smiled and laughed when Bobby kissed her but Maggie’s stomach flipped and clenched and she felt her whole face heat up. And when she pulled Maggie aside later to talk about it, Maggie was prepared for her to complain. _

_ Maggie wasn’t prepared for Eliza to ask her about Bobby. _

_ “Is he single?” she’d giggled. Maggie made a face and shrugged. Her stomach was starting to hurt now and she didn’t think it was all of the food. _

_ “I think so, yeah. But he’s not really your type, Eliza,” Maggie had said quickly. _

_ “What do you mean?” Eliza is only half listening, glancing around to see if she can see Bobby through the crowd. Huffing, Maggie grabs Eliza’s hand and pulls her upstairs to her room to talk in private. _

_ “I mean, he’s not your type! He’s not good enough for you!” _

_ “He’s  _ your _ family! And how do you know what my type is?” Eliza snapped. _

_ “He’s just… he’s not always nice, especially not to girls. And… And he likes dogs, not cats but he really wants a pet snake and I know you’re afraid of snakes. And he prefers vanilla ice cream to chocolate ice cream and he swears all the time. And he doesn’t try in school and he’s rude to teachers and- and- and- he thinks band kids are lame and he makes fun of them! Plus, he lives in Metropolis, so he’s not even nearby!” Maggie splutters. Eliza deflates a little bit and Maggie feels bad. _

_ “I guess… He was just a nice kisser,” she sighed. _

_ “It’s okay! We can find someone who’s good enough for you! Someone who likes chocolate ice cream and has lots of cats for you to pet and is nice to teachers and other kids. And plays an instrument and… and someone who lives here,” Maggie beams, holding Eliza’s hand, wiggling closer to her in excitement. _

_ “This someone sounds like you, Mags,” Eliza smiles. And suddenly, there was a warm feeling in Maggie’s stomach and she just wanted to hold Eliza and kiss her and she never wanted to let her go. It felt a lot like love. _

_ “Well, yeah! Because I’m perfect,” Maggie giggled. “Now, let’s go downstairs and find some more of those pizza squares.” Taking Eliza by the hand, Maggie led her back down to the party. _

 

_ Maggie planned her Valentine’s Day surprise by the first of February. She’d known she loved Eliza as more than a friend for well over a month now and it was hard to sit on this knowledge. It was hard for her to hug her best friend and not blurt it out. But Valentine’s Day was all about love, so Maggie would tell her then. She had it all planned out. These two weeks couldn’t go fast enough. _

_ She tried to practice what she was going to say to her. She said it in the mirror- softly, at night so no one would overhear her. She practiced it and she practiced it but then she’d go to school the next day and see Eliza and she would lose her train of thought, even though they were just talking about school stuff. So Maggie decided to write it down. She was going to get a nice Valentine’s Day card, write everything down and leave it for Eliza. Then, Eliza could read it and react privately before coming to Maggie.  _

_ And Maggie knew it might not go perfectly. She knew Eliza might not like her back and she might not even like gay people. Blue Springs was a small town and there weren’t any gay people; Maggie didn’t even know what people around here thought about it. She knew that she might have to give up Eliza if her friend didn’t accept her but it didn’t matter because if she didn’t get this out, Maggie was afraid she might explode. _

_ So, during her last period study class on Valentine’s Day, Maggie asked to go to the bathroom and she made her way to Eliza’s locker. The card wouldn’t fit through the slots in her locker but that didn’t matter; Maggie knew the code to the lock. She placed it carefully on top of Eliza’s books, arranging it so that her friend couldn’t miss it when she opened the locker. She went back to the library to finish out her study period then went to track practice after school, smiling to herself as she imagined Eliza reading the card.  _

_ It might not be perfect, it might end with Eliza not wanting to talk to her again but she couldn’t stop herself from hoping. Maggie was a hopeful creature. She imagined what it would be like if Eliza read her card and smile. If she read it and realized that she liked Maggie that way, too. If she came to Maggie’s house and held her hand and kissed her. _

_ Maggie was still on a high, buzzing and smiling and bouncing and happy when she makes her way home just in time for dinner. The sun had started to go down as she walked back home from the school. Jogging up the steps, she paused, seeing a duffel bag sitting on the porch. Was someone going somewhere? Did a family member visit? The house was silent but all the lights were on so Maggie ran in. _

_ “Mom, Dad? Hello?” she called out, dropping her backpack in the front hallway. _

_ “In here,” her mother called out. If Maggie had been paying attention, she would have realized something was wrong right then. Because her mother sounded like she’d been crying and they were sitting in the living room when normally, her mother would be in the kitchen finishing up dinner and her dad would be setting the table in the dining room. But Maggie was still smiling, still thinking about Eliza and her math homework and how well she had done in practice today. So she didn’t notice until she walked into the living room to find her parents sitting on the couch. Dad’s face was red and his lips were pursed and Mom was crying softly. Maggie stopped. _

_ “Is everyone alright? Is Nonna- or Papa-” _

_ “No one is dead,” her mother supplies, sniffling. Dad scoffs and Maggie is confused. _

_ “Um, okay, well why is there a duffel bag on the front porch? Is someone going somewhere?” Maggie continues, going to sit in the chair across from her parents. _

_ “You are,” her dad says, standing. Maggie freezes, tilts her head to the side, trying to figure this out. _

_ “Wh-what?” _

_ “You’re leaving.” _

_ “Mom?” Maggie looks to her mother to find her with tears streaming down her cheeks. Her mother just shook her head. _

_ “Robert and Mary Wilkey called. Apparently, you gave their daughter a love letter?” He glared down his nose at her and Maggie shrinked back into the chair. “You gave another woman a love letter? I thought we raised you right, Margaret! We raised you better than this!” _

_ “Daddy, please, stop yelling,” Maggie begs, tears slipping down her cheeks now. _

_ “You are not my daughter,” he growls. Maggie flinches. “You are an  _ abomination _. You are unholy and if you want to act like some seedy, perverted adult, we will treat you like one. I don’t want you in this house anymore. So you can go now.” _

_ “But-” _

_ “Go!” he roars. Maggie whimpers in fear, standing and running up the stairs. She just needed to grab a few things- a picture, her favorite blanket, a teddy bear from when she was a kid, just some memories. She hears the quick, light footsteps of her mother following her. _

_ “How did- how did you f-find o-out?” Maggie sniffled, quickly putting all of her school things and her keep sakes in her backpack. Her mother helps her fold the blanket when her hands start to shake. _

_ “Her parents called, said she gave them the letter,” her mother says, not looking at Maggie. She reaches over to grab Maggie’s favorite stuffed animal: a worn and ragged bear she’d been given on the day she was born. The ears were worn and thin and the pink bow on top of her head was stained with years of being dragged around in the dirt. One of the eyes was starting to fall out a little bit and the fur was knotted but Maggie’s mom held it for a moment, just staring at it. When the tears splashed down her cheeks, she quickly shoved it into Maggie’s backpack. Her hands are shaking as she hands it to Maggie. The young girl lets the bag drop to the floor, lunging forward to hug her mom. _

_ “Please, Mommy, don’t make me go. Please, please, talk to him,” she begs. Her mother stands there, frozen before hesitantly hugging her back. They hear heavy footsteps on the stairs and her mom jumps backward. “Please, mom, I love you,” Maggie pleads. _

_ “There’s cash in the side pocket of the duffle bag,” she whispers just before her dad comes into the room. _

_ “Time to go, Margaret,” he declares. Maggie is shaking when she takes her jar of coins and slips the backpack onto her shoulders. He follows her all the way to the door, waiting until she grabs the duffle and moves toward the sidewalk. She turns back to say something- maybe plead with him again, maybe to apologize, maybe to say she loved them, maybe just to say goodbye- but he slammed the door in her face and turned off the porch light. Biting back a sob, she looked back at her childhood home, the place where she learned to walk and talk and swim and ride a bike and play soccer. She gave it one last look before she started walking, not sure where she was going or what she would do. All she knew was that her face was soaked with tears. _

_ And this all happened because she gave Eliza Wilkey that damn card. _

 

“Oh, sweetheart, I’m so sorry,” Alex whispered, pulling Maggie close. Maggie isn’t sure when she started crying but as soon as Alex held her, they turned into full-fledged sobs and she curled into Alex, her entire body wracked with the force of her sobs. Alex just held her, rocking back and forth and running a hand through her hair, occasionally offering words of comfort but mostly just being there. After a while, Maggie’s tears have calmed.

“So, uh,” Maggie whispers, clearing her throat. “After that, I got a bus ticket to Omaha just to get away. When I got there, I spent a few nights on the street before I finally tried calling some family members. My grandparents hung up on me. One of my aunts told me to burn in hell. An uncle said he would shoot me if I ever came near him or his kids. Then finally, my dad’s youngest sister Luisa took me in. She was still a kid herself, younger than I am now. 

“She was putting herself through law school, living with two other girls in a crappy apartment but as soon as she got my call, she booked me a bus ticket to come out to Gotham and stay with them. It wasn’t… It was a rough few years for the both of us. Luisa didn’t know how to raise a kid and she wasn’t around all the time because of school; she tried really hard, though, and I couldn’t be more grateful. But, uh, her roommates were usually there if she wasn’t. And Eloise was bisexual and became.. Like, my rock, I guess? She was my gay Yoda, always there to talk when I needed it. And Lila taught me how to cook and stand up for myself when kids at school weren’t being too great. It was… we made a nice little family. I still talk to Eloise and Lila. They got married a few years back.” Maggie smiles wistfully. “Turns out, she was Lila’s gay awakening and her Yoda, too.” Maggie pauses, just leans into Alex and closes her eyes, letting herself breathe.

“Thank you for telling me that,” Alex says after a while, pressing a kiss into the crown of Maggie’s head. Maggie can’t help but feel safe, but feel loved, but feel happy.

“Thank you for listening,” Maggie replies softly with a shrug. Alex just holds her for a while before she speaks again.

“So, can I call you that now? My gay Yoda?” Alex asks, genuinely curious. And maybe it’s just because Maggie is emotionally exhausted. Maybe she’s tired, maybe she’s hungry, maybe she’s just plain crazy. But whatever it is, it makes Maggie find that to be the  _ funniest statement ever _ . So she looks at Alex and she laughs and she laughs and she laughs until there are tears in her eyes. Wiping them away, she kisses a startled Alex’s cheek.

“Yeah, Danvers. Yeah, I guess you can,” she whispers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, just a quick heads up. Within the next few weeks, I'm going to post a chapter that deals with some experiences with non-con and dub-con as well as an unhealthy relationship. I will make sure to tag it but it will be the next chapter (chapter 5) so if you need to skip that for your own health, please do! It's just something I really need to write so I can process it and I know that other queer people have dealt with these issues. Anyway, if that kind of chapter will trigger you, please skip it. I'll put up reminders and warnings on the actual chapter but I wanted to give you a heads up now!
> 
> As always, if you liked this chapter, give it a comment! I live for it.


	5. Of Boys and Consent- TRIGGER WARNING

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MAJOR TRIGGER WARNINGS FOR THIS CHAPTER
> 
> Please be cautious readers! The first half of this chapter deals with a manipulative relationship between two minors and pressuring someone in an attempt to have sex (though no sex occurs, it is still manipulative). The second half of this chapter deals with a pretty graphic description of an attempted sexual assault and panic attacks. I want you all to be safe and happy and if that means skipping this chapter for your own well-being, please do.

“I want to… I want to tell you something,” Alex says nervously as they’re sitting on the couch, wrapped around each other and watching TV. And Maggie tries really hard not to freak out because she knows it sometimes takes Alex a little while to get everything out, to get all the words right. She tries to keep herself from jumping to a thousand different conclusions while waiting for Alex to speak again. When it becomes clear she’s waiting for a response from Maggie, she swallows thickly and nods.

“Okay,” she says.

“I want… I want to tell you about… About… I don’t know how to talk about this,” Alex whines plaintively. Maggie is really starting to get nervous now. Alex has been this hesitant and awkward since she first came out. Clearly, this must be important if Alex is struggling this much and that scares Maggie a bit. Did she do something wrong? Is Alex upset with her? Finally, Alex keeps talking and Maggie tries to focus on the words. “We’ve been talking about crushes we had on girls growing up, right? And I just… I realized that… That wasn’t the only indicator I had of… of being  _ gay _ , y’know? Like… Yeah, the little crushes on my girl friends could have given me a hint, but… There was… other stuff too. Like… guys.” And Maggie exhales audibly because thank  _ God _ this isn’t something she’s done wrong.

“Sorry, babe,” she explains, coming up to kiss Alex’s cheek when she puckers her eyebrows, confused. “I just… I was worried you wanted to tell me I had done something wrong.”

“Oh, no, no, not at all,” Alex says quickly. She curls ever closer to Maggie on the couch, hugging her into her side and kissing her temple. “I didn’t mean to scare you, babe. I just… I like when we talk about this stuff. It helps me… process. Oh, God, that makes it sound like I’m using you- you’re my  _ girlfriend _ not my therapist. We don’t have to talk about this stuff, if you don’t want.”

“I do want to talk about this, Alex,” she assures her softly. “Because I like telling you about my experiences, too. I don’t talk about it often and… you’re right. This does help me process some things.” Alex nods and they sit in silence for a few moments, just holding each other. Finally, Maggie breaks the silence. “So… you wanted to talk about some experiences with guys that made you… That you now realize weren’t quite so heterosexual?” Maggie smirks a little as she asks this and Alex just playfully slaps her leg, snorting.

“Brat. I just… I… I always thought there was something  _ wrong _ with me because I couldn’t… I couldn’t feel the way everyone else said it would feel like so… I wondered if some wires got crossed and I just  _ couldn’t _ feel that way. I guess I was just looking in the wrong place but still…”

“It sucked,” Maggie finishes softly. Alex nodded, eyes closed tight. Maggie squeezes her hand reassuringly. “You can tell me, babe.” Alex exhales slowly before she begins to speak.

 

_ They had met in science class.  _

 

“Nerd,” Maggie interjects. She quiets down and holds her hands up in surrender when Alex playfully glares at her. Alex gets back to the story.

 

_ They had met in science class. His name was Dylan, and he wasn’t exactly popular- he liked band and science and history and  _ Doctor Who  _ way too much to be popular and his hair made him look like a hippy- but he was nice and he was pretty smart. His friends were friends with her friends, so naturally, they became friendly, too. And, as it turns out, they were all in classes together. She saw him every day, actually. Every class. So, they started walking to classes together, sitting together at lunch, hanging out together. It was mostly in groups though, more like they hung out in the same place, but still separate. _

_ Then, they went on a school trip together. The band was going to a competition and staying overnight. Everyone was excited and they sat together on the coach bus, buzzing and chatting and giggling. But Vicky wasn’t going on the trip and her friend group was odd-numbered without her so Alex ended up sitting alone on the way to the competition. She still talked to people around her, but it was still lonely. _

_ On the way back, though, Dylan came up to her and asked, “Can I sit here?” in a voice so tentative and shy that it made Alex blush a bit on his behalf- not that he wasn’t blushing, too; redheads tended to do that without much prompting. _

_ “Yeah, sure,” Alex says with an easy smile. After all, it’s not like anyone else would be sitting there. And now, with someone to sit next to on the long drive back, it didn’t feel quite as long. They talked almost the entire time. They talked about their favorite TV shows, made bad jokes and puns, and talked about what they wanted to do when they grow up. It was nice, having a friend like this. _

 

_ He was walking Alex to her bus one afternoon when he asked her. It was with clenched fists and a hopeful expression that he said, “I was hoping you would go out with me?” Alex waited a moment, waiting for the punch line. Waiting for the “just kidding!” or the “actually, I was just asking to find out if you liked me so I could embarrass you.” but it didn’t come. No one had ever asked her out before- except for the boys who were dared to and didn’t actually want to go out with her. She stood there thinking about it. She didn’t really have any strong desire to go out with him, but… who was she to say no? It’s not like she had guys lining up. _

_ “Uh, yeah?” Alex laughs awkwardly, aware by the way his face had gone bright red that she had hesitated too long. He breathed a visible sigh of relief. _

_ “Cool. Great. Awesome. So, um, I’ll… I’ll message you later?” he asks as they get to the buses. He grins, squeezes her hand and she gets on the bus to find Vicky eagerly waiting for details. Alex smiles, excited to share the seat with Vicky, sitting close to her and telling her all about Dylan. _

 

_ It was easy to make the transition from friend to dating, Alex thought. The only thing that changed was they held hands in the hall on the way to class and they hugged each other before they left for the day. On some weekends, they would hang out. One day, Dylan took her to the park for a picnic. Another time they went to the beach and wet for a walk. When Dylan’s extended family came for a visit for someone’s birthday. Alex met his cousin and overheard her threatening to “put the fear of God” into Alex. They were having fun and it was great. _

_ But eventually, he started wanting more. It started with kisses. It took them nearly three weeks to start kissing; Alex had always gone in for the hug instead, always nervous. But eventually, he asked if he could kiss her- they were dating, after all- so she said yes. But then it got to more. He wanted to hold hands in the hallway and kiss before class even when they went to the same classes. Alex didn’t like the idea of these public displays but they were dating so shouldn’t she be okay with it? So, Alex let him hold her hand and when she broke her foot surfing and had to be on crushes, she was pleased because it meant he couldn’t hold her hand for a few weeks. _

_ But then the cast came off and the crutches were cast aside and they were back to holding hands and kissing all the time, even though it still made Alex feel a bit uncomfy. Especially when it happened in front of their friends (mostly Vicky, she realized). But it was okay because he always told her how nice she was, how smart she was, how pretty she was. And then one day, at Kara’s Earth Birthday party (for the small group of friends they’d invited, it was just her birthday, but Kara insisted it was only her Earth Birthday, not her actual birthday), Dylan asked to talk to her privately. _

_ He took her to the downstairs office, the only one Kara and Alex were allowed to go in. Sitting across the small couch from him, she felt like she was about to be scolded. And he fiddled with the zipper on his jacket as if he was trying to figure out how to let her down easy. Alex just folded her hands and stared at them in her lap. _

_ “I feel like… You don’t… You don’t compliment me enough,” he stammers out. Alex quirks an eyebrow, waiting for the punch line. _

_ “Uh- what? I mean, what do you… I don’t know if I completely follow,” Alex says softly when it becomes clear that he’s not really kidding. _

_ “You don’t… I’m always telling you how pretty you are and stuff, and you just… You never tell me anything like that. You don’t tell me if I look good or compliment me or just… I feel like this relationship is really one-sided. It’s just not fair.” Alex struggles to find a good way to respond to this, to make her point clear and concise. _

_ “I’m not… PDA… it’s just not my thing. It makes me… It makes me feel awkward. Like, the hugs and kissing and holding hands and the… compliments thing,” she says slowly, still not really looking at him. “It’s not that I don’t think them, I just… It’s really hard for me to voice them, sometimes.” _

_ “Okay, well, I’m just saying it’s kind of hurtful. I’m putting in all this work and I’m not getting anything back and it kind of hurts my self esteem,” he continues, completely ignoring Alex’s points. But she feels guilty, now. She didn’t mean to make him feel bad about himself. _

_ “Well… I’ll try harder. I’ll work on… voicing my compliments, more. Can we… Can we, like, go back to my sister’s party, now?” she adds, a tinge of annoyance in her tone. Because really, who gave him the right to corner her in her own house and make her feel bad? Could it not have waited until after the party? Or some other day? But Alex put aside her anger, took him by the hand and went back out to the party, smiling and paying extra attention to her boyfriend. _

 

_ For the next few weeks, she tried really hard. If she liked his outfit, Alex made sure to tell him. If he answered a question right in class, Alex told him so. It felt awkward and stilted and forced, but it seemed to make him happy. Eventually, though, she became less vigilant and consistent about her compliments. He waited a few weeks before cornering her again and giving her the same spiel.  _

_ “I’m trying, it’s just hard for me! This doesn’t come naturally!” Alex protested. _

_“Okay, and I understand that, but you also have to understand how this makes_ me _feel.”_ _So, Alex tried harder even when she didn’t have the energy or wasn’t in the mood to stroke his ego._

 

_ He took her to a nice restaurant for their six month anniversary. They were seated by the water and he was being a perfect gentleman. Alex felt out of place since the only other people at this restaurant were all over 21, but he was trying so hard and it was kind of romantic since they were the only ones eating out on the patio besides two older men. _

_ They held hands over the table through most of the dinner and Alex just thought it was inconvenient, not romantic because he insisted on holding her left hand which she needed to cut her food. But he paid and he pulled out her chair and before they left, he hugged her close. And into her hair, he confidently declared, “I love you.” _

_ And Alex froze. _

_ Because she didn’t love him. She knew that. She didn’t quite know what love would feel like, but she had a feeling she would know it once she felt it. And she didn’t love him. She contemplated telling him she did love him. It would be easier, she knew, but the words felt heavy on her tongue. Those words were important and she wanted to say them when she was ready, not now. _

_ But she had hesitated far too long now because he pulled away, crimson faced and looking angry and the men sitting outside on the other side of the patio were chuckling and she tried to explain. She tried to explain how much the words meant and how she didn’t want to say them until she knew. But he just walked away. _

_ “Dylan,” Alex called. He just kept walking. And Alex was still in a walking boot from breaking her foot so she struggled on the uneven terrain surrounding the restaurant as she swiftly exited with his long legs. _

_ “Dylan! Don’t you dare just walk away from me!” He continued walking. “I swear to God, Dylan, I’ll push you in the water. You don’t get to just give me the silent treatment!” They were walking on the pier now, making their way back towards where his parents were going to pick them up and he slowed to let Alex catch up. But still, he said nothing.  _

_ “You’re being really childish with this whole silent treatment thing,” Alex adds. He turns to shoot Alex a dark look and she withers. How did she screw this up? He was nice. He liked her. He was respectful to her parents and he wasn’t mean to Kara. How did she screw this up? So Alex tries to explain herself. “Those words…” she hesitates, watching his face grow red again. “Those words mean a lot. To me, they mean… everything. And I want… I don’t want to say them just because you said it and I have to reciprocate. I want to say it because I mean it. Because  _ I _ know. When  _ I’m _ ready. Why isn’t that good enough?” _

_ “Because I love you, and I’m sure of that. And it hurts me that you’re not sure. I don’t want to talk about this anymore, let’s just go,” he says harshly, taking her hand when they are in sight of the parking lot where his parents wait. Both put on big smiles, going home to gush about what a great night it was, both leaving out the way the evening ended. _

 

_ She realized one day that she didn’t like kissing him, certainly couldn’t imagine a future with him, and wasn’t having any fun in this relationship. Alex wanted it to be over, she was done with it. But he was the only guy who had ever really paid attention to her like this- besides Rick Malverne, but that was different- and who knew if someone would ever pursue her like this again? _

 

“Okay, babe, we’re gonna address your idea of self-worth, after,” Maggie interrupts softly, carding her fingers through Alex’s hair. Alex just squirms uncomfortably, huffing. Alex wasn’t sure when they had switched positions but now Maggie was the one holding Alex in her arms.

“I know, I know,” she grumbles. Maggie just smiles, presses a kiss into Alex’s hair and motions for her to continue.

 

_ Alex wanted the relationship to end, but she didn’t really want to be the one to end it. But that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt when he finally did end it. Alex knew it was coming. After lunch that day, he’d said he had to talk to her before she left. And it was the way he said it, the firm and insistent tone that let her know this was the end. But when he said the words, it still felt like a sucker punch to the gut. _

_ “You just… I’ve talked to you and I’ve talked to you about it but you’re still not… I compliment you every day. I make sure you feel good, but you can’t do the same for me. I just… I don’t think this is going to work if you can’t put in the work,” he had said before leaving her standing there. She stood there so long, slightly shell-shocked and trying to process why this was hurting so much, that she missed the bus. Alex took an hour walking home, completely ignoring Kara’s questions about where she was, instead opting to run up to her room, slamming her door and crying. _

_ Months later, the rumors made their way back to Alex. According to Dylan, they broke up because she wouldn’t sleep with him. Alex didn’t know whether to laugh or cry so she had done both. _

 

“Babe, I’m so sorry,” Maggie whispers, kissing Alex’s temple and hugging her close. Alex just shrugged.

“I mean, it was ages ago. And now I guess it makes sense why I never really love him the way he wanted. Or why I was never ready to… get physical… with him,” Alex says with a shrug.

“No, Al, I meant… That seemed like a really unhealthy relationship, y’know?” Maggie can tell from Alex’s furrowed brow that she doesn’t know. “Like… he seemed a bit… Uh, nevermind, actually. I’m just sorry, babe,” Maggie said, clearing her throat.

“No, what were you going to say?” Alex persists. Maggie sighed, rolling her neck side to side; Alex has learned this is one of her tells when she doesn’t want to be the one to break bad news to someone. “What?” she asks again.

“It just… This kid sounds like a douchebag in general. And… manipulative, y’know? Like… He  _ scolded _ you, Alex. Like you were a little kid he was babysitting, he scolded you. And for stupid stuff! Like not inflating his ego. If it had been he wanted you to voice your feelings- all your feelings, not just the ones about how great he is- that’s one thing. But if he literally just wanted to be complimented… And it sounds like he wouldn’t listen when you tried to explain yourself and why it wasn’t a natural impulse. And telling everyone you broke up because you wouldn’t sleep with him? That just makes him look like a douche in my opinion, not you. I just… Those felt like some red flags from what I’m hearing,” Maggie says gently, tracing patterns on Alex’s forearm. Alex stiffens slightly.

“We were just kids. It’s not like he was abusive,” Alex is quick to defend.

“No, no, I didn’t say he did, Alex,” Maggie said gently. “All I said is that those are warning signs. And it wasn’t cool of him. You deserved better for your first boyfriend. That’s all I wanted to say.” Maggie lapses into silence and they sit, watching the TV without sound for a while so that Alex can have time to process.

“Mags?” Alex says a while later, her voice fragile and timid.

“Yeah, Al?” 

“Did you… ever have any, y’know… boyfriends? Like… before Eliza and everything.” Maggie exhales a shaky breath.

“Uh, not exactly.” Alex just raises one eyebrow. If Maggie wants to elaborate, she will. Otherwise, Alex is willing to let the subject drop, despite her curiosity. “I had… a first kiss with a guy. And… It just… it wasn’t a great experience, to say the least. It really… Sometimes, I used to wonder if that experience and…  _ him _ \- if  _ he _ had made me gay. But… There were signs before him, so…” Maggie trails off with a shrug.

“I’m sorry, Maggie,” Alex whispers. Maggie just shrugs again.

“It was… a lifetime ago. Freshman year. I was a different person,” Maggie says softly.  _ He made me into a different person _ . The words go unspoken but lingering in the air between them. Alex waits a moment for Maggie to speak.

“Would you… Do you want to, like, talk about it? If not, I totally understand and we can just watch some trashy TV and you can just think or not think or, like, uh… Whatever works for you,” Alex says, blushing when she realizes how she’s rambling.

“I can… I don’t know… like, if I can get through it all, but… It’s important, so I think I should try. For you.” Alex nods decisively and shifts them on the couch so that Maggie is half curled into her lap, able to look at her easily but also able to turn her head just slightly and stare towards the TV whenever Maggie needed a moment to pause, to break eye contact, to breathe. She waited as Maggie seemed to gather herself before telling this story.

 

_ They were at a Christmas party for her church youth group. Maggie’s parents insisted that she be involved in the church more, but it always made her feel a bit… outside. She wasn’t completely oblivious. She could tell that she was feeling things for girls that most girls felt for boys. And she knew the deacon at her church would condemn her in a heartbeat, so it was always just a bit uncomfortable at these church events, but she went to keep her parents happy. _

_ “Do you want a cookie?” Maggie asked tentatively, going around the party. She had made the cookies with her mother and the chaperone of this party suggested she go around offering them to people. It made Maggie feel a little bit like a servant, but she did it anyway, going up to the deacon to offer him a cookie. His son standing next to him smiled at her and took one, too. _

_ When she went home that night, she found a message from her on her IM account. _

_ “That means he thinks you’re cute,” Eliza told her when she mentioned it. Eliza urged her to respond, to be friends with him. He was pretty cute, after all. And, Maggie thought to herself, he was a  _ he _. Maybe this could save her, convince herself that she was normal. _

_ So Maggie started messaging him and they became friends, sort of. Maggie tried so hard to have feelings for him that she may have actually fooled herself for a moment. But when he asked her to come over his house the first time, she immediately said no without thinking about it. She claimed she was busy, the panic curling around her lungs and making her decline without even considering why. But he was persistent, and after a month, she agreed to go over his house. After all, they were just hanging out. Plus her parents insisted that his parents be home when she goes over, so it’s not like anything could happen. And he was the deacon’s son. What could go wrong? _

 

“I just need water,” Maggie says, clearing her throat. Alex nods, getting up to get her a cold glass before coming back to settle next to Maggie on the couch. When Maggie goes to take a sip, Alex sees the way her hands shake.

“We can stop. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want,” Alex reminds her.

“No, no, I can do this. I just… I needed water,” Maggie insists.

“Babe, if you need to stop, you can. If you need to take a break and come back later, you can. If you want to forget this discussion and never bring it up again with me, that’s fine- but in that case, I would recommend you talk to someone, even if it isn’t me. No more pushing our feelings down, but… Like… It’s okay to talk to someone else, if you want,” Alex says softly. Maggie just nods, sipping at her water. One hand goes to grip Alex’s.

“I am going to finish this. Just… Give me time to finish it.” Alex nods, kissing Maggie’s knuckles and sitting silently, waiting for Maggie to start again.

 

_ His mom opened the door when Maggie knocked. _

_ He stood in the living room, hunched over slightly and half-smiling. He was two heads taller than Maggie with light hair and blue eyes. But he was stocky, not exactly muscular but not weak-looking. Maggie hadn’t yet hit five feet and was tiny. But they sat on the couch while their moms chatted and had small, whispered conversations about nothing in particular. Maggie even met his little sister. _

_ After a while, Maggie’s mom left with a promise to come pick her up later and his mom went to the kitchen to get started on the lasagna she was making while his sister followed behind to help. They sat awkwardly for a minute before he spoke. _

_ “You wanna go down to the basement? We can watch a movie or play some video games or something,” he suggests. Maggie nods even though she doesn’t really want to. Why can’t they watch something up here? But then she shakes herself. Shouldn’t she be happy to get him to herself? Maybe he’ll kiss her. Maggie tries to feel excited about that but all she feels is dread as she follows him down the steps to the basement. _

_ They do play video games for a while. He has a few shooting games but also some more fun, silly games that they switch between. Maggie is lulled into a sense of security, sitting on opposite couches with portraits of the Virgin Mary and a crucifix hanging above them on the walls. Because clearly he’s a man of God, raised in this house and living under His view. He’ll be polite. He’ll be nice. And if he kisses her, she’ll be able to prove it to God that she deserves His grace because He’s so prevalent in this house. She allows herself to be lulled into a false sense of security and she doesn’t notice when that security is being shattered. _

_ It starts small. _

_ “You know, uh, I’m really glad you could come today. I’m having a nice time,” he said with an awkward smile as they wait for the DVD to load. Maggie nods, blushing. _

_ “Me, too.” _

_ “You could come, like, sit over here. I mean, uh, I won’t bite,” he adds. So Maggie leaves the safety of the opposite couch to come sit next to him, still careful to leave some space. But she still felt safe here in her jeans and button down. She felt safe here with a boy whose family was a pillar in the church community. She felt safe here. _

_ “Can I have a hug?” he asked while they waited, the DVD apparently scratched and having difficulty being read. A little surprised by is bold question, Maggie only hesitated a moment before leaning in to hug him. Almost as soon as she’s settled back into her seat, he asks again, “can I have a kiss?” _

_ Maggie freezes, unsure of what to do. No one had ever kissed her before. No one had ever  _ wanted  _ to kiss her before. In a town full of skinny white girls with blonde hair and blue eyes who liked tractors and country music, Maggie stood out as a short, darker skinned girl with brown eyes. Some small part of Maggie felt like she ought to kiss him simply to prove she would. To prove that she liked this boy, that she was normal. Another part of her just thought she should kiss him because he had been so nice to her and surely felt he had earned it. So, Maggie gave him a quick peck on the cheek, hesitant and unsure. _

_ He just laughed a little, like she was a small child, and he said, “no, I meant, like, a real kiss. Here, let me show you.” And he did. He leaned in and pressed his lips against hers and Maggie just couldn't figure out why she didn't feel anything. This was what people wrote love songs about? This was boring! There were no sparks, no passion, nothing. He pulls away after a minute, smiling at her. She smiles, too, as if thanking him for this experience.  _

_ “So, was it good?” He asked with a self satisfied smirk as if he already knew the answer.  _

_ “Um, I wouldn't know,” Maggie blushed. “It's… you were my first.” He laughed and smiled at her again, shuffling over to put his arm around her.  _

_ “Well you certainly didn't kiss like it. Can I kiss you again?” Maybe she just needed practice. Maybe he was a bad kisser and that's why she didn't feel anything for him. Maybe they need to try again. But Maggie really wasn't given a chance to respond before he leaned in to kiss her again. This time, he tried to coach her into using her tongue.  _

_ “Just open your mouth,” he said. “Follow my tongue. Do what I do,” he said. “Come on, just open your mouth more,” he said. So she listened and she tried to mimic what he was doing and she opened her mouth more for his tongue. It felt weird. She didn't quite like it but she knew it was something that other girls were supposed to enjoy so she let him.  _

_ “No,” she protested when he tried to lay her down on the couch. He pulls only a few inches away from her, just enough to frown at her while still taking up her entire field of vision. His hands are still on her arms, holding her. _

_ “Come on, it feels better. I promise. It’s comfier,” he says. Maggie hesitates. “Please? Look, it’s just… it’s better. I promise. Don’t you trust me?” Maggie felt guilty then. So she let him lay her down, kneeling over her. He brushed her hair out of her face, smiling at her. Then he kissed her again, one hand on her hip and the other now in her hair. Maggie didn’t want to be kissing anymore. She was bored. This didn’t feel good. She tried to push him off but he just grabbed her wrists, pushed them down against the couch. She didn’t fight him again, just let him kiss her. Sure, she was bored but this made her normal and he had been nice to her. _

_ “No,” she says later when one of his hands goes to unbutton her shirt. _

_ “Just a few,” he says, swallowing her protests with his lips. _

_ “No, no,” she continues, squirming. _

_ “Just one,” he decides. The button is already undone before Maggie can protest again. So she lets it go, lets him keep kissing. And then his hands are on her pants, pawing at the zipper and tugging at the buttons. She pushes him away but he pushes back. _

_ “No,” Maggie begs.  _

_ “Come on,” he murmurs, pressed against her lips. She can feel herself losing control. Is this going to be it? Is she going to lose her virginity and become some scary statistic? Is he going to do this? She’s not even really enjoying it! She doesn’t want this, she’s scared, she doesn’t know what to do. _

_ Maggie can feel the beginnings of a panic attack clawing at the edges of her throat. His lips are on her mouth, his nose is pressing against hers, she can’t breathe, can’t breathe, can’t  _ breathe.  _ The breaths come quick and short and she can feel her entire body start to shake. She feels like she’s going to be sick. A few tears slip out. He pulls away. _

_ “Are you good?” he asks, but not kindly. He says it impatiently, like she’s doing him a disservice by making him pause in his ministrations. _

_ “I need to go to the bathroom,” Maggie manages to stutter, frantically scrambling backwards, away from him. He sits up and directs her to the adjacent bathroom and she is careful to grab her phone on the way. _

_ She kneels in front of the toilet for some time, dry heaving as she tries to get control of her breathing. Her hands shake as she texts her mom, asking her to come get her now. After a few more minutes of hunching over the toilet, she manages to sit up, pacing and balling her hands into fists, punching her thighs to try and force herself to focus, to stop freaking out, to breathe. Still shaking, she splashed some water on her face and flushed the toilet before going back out. _

_ “You good?” he asks, sitting on the couch and looking like he’s waiting for her to join him. Maggie just stares at her feet, grabbing her coat. _

_ “M-my mom is coming. There was a- uh- an emergency at home,” Maggie lies. _

_ “Oh, uh, is everything alright?”  _

_ “Just- um- my cat swallowed something she shouldn’t. It’s nothing. But she’s only a f-few minutes away,” she says, stuttering when he stands and puts his hands on her waist, pulling her in close. She takes a step back, still not looking at him. “N-no,” she whispers. _

_ “Why not?” he laughs. Maggie is struggling to come up with an answer when her phone chimes.  _ Saved by the bell, _ she thinks wryly. _

_ “My mom is here.” She ran up the stairs and didn’t look back. _

 

“I, uh… I never spoke to him again. He tried messaging me a few times. I blocked him. On my phone, too, when he texted me. I… I avoided him. At church. Until my parents kicked me out and I stopped going altogether,” Maggie finishes, shrugging. 

“Mags, I am so sorry,” Alex whispers, tries to hug her tighter. Maggie just pushes out of Alex’s grasp, stands and wraps her arms around her middle, pacing in tight circles.

“I don’t need you pity, Alex. I don’t  _ want _ it,” she says harshly. “I… This is why I don’t talk about it. I don’t like when people look at me like I’m broken. I’m  _ fine _ . I’m fine. Nothing happened. I’m- I’m  _ fine _ .” Maggie’s voice breaks on the last word. Alex stands, holds one hand out tentatively.

“Maggie,” she says softly. When Maggie flinches away from her hand, Alex drops it, but stays standing and close enough that Maggie could come to her in two steps, if she wanted. “Maggie, I don’t  _ pity _ you. I feel… empathy. Because I understand what that feels like, to be pushed into a situation you didn’t really want. To feel like you can’t say anything. To feel like it wasn’t bad enough to complain. I empathize, and I sympathize, but I do  _ not _ pity you Maggie because you have been through hell and back again and again. And you have only come out stronger.” Alex watches Maggie stop pacing. Watches her bite her bottom lip and chew the inside of her cheek, trying to hide the way it wobbles. When the first tear falls down her cheek, Alex reaches forward slowly, waiting for Maggie to nod once before wiping the tear away.

“I let him kiss me,” Maggie says softly, falling into Alex’s embrace. “I  _ let him _ and for so long-  _ so long, Ally _ \- I thought it was my fault because I let him. And I wondered… Do I only like girls because he- he tainted me for guys or something? And I just… I hate how he made me feel, Alex. I  _ hate it _ every day. I just- I-I-I-”

“Shhh, love. Shhh,” Alex says, pulling Maggie back down to the couch and onto her lap, rocking back and forth just so. “I’m here. I’ve got you. I’ve got you. Shhh, I’m here.” Alex just held Maggie until her sobs turned into whimpers turned into sniffles and then silence, blinking sleepily, this entire affair having exhausted her emotionally and physically.

“You deserved better, Maggie,” Alex says softly, kissing her hair. “And no matter what, whether that experience contributed to your orientation or not, you are still valid. You are valid, and your feelings are real. And I am here for you to help you heal, no matter what that means. You didn’t do anything wrong, and he should have listened the first time you said no. I am so sorry, Maggie. I love you, I love you, I love you, Maggie Sawyer.” Alex continues to whisper these assurances even though Maggie had already fallen asleep.

They’d both had boys who changed them, but it lead them to this, lead them to each other. Alex just continues to hold Maggie, falling asleep on the couch still intertwined with Maggie, holding her close.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you made it to the end, I thank you for reading and I'm sorry. But these are all based on my personal experiences unless otherwise indicated and this has really helped me to process some of the things I've gone through. I hope you liked reading, even though this was a heavy topic. Drop a comment if you'd like!


	6. Realizations

“I just wish… I wish I could have figured this all out earlier,” Alex whined. After thinking about it more, Alex realized she had missed quite a few signs that she was gay, and what kind of scientist was she if she could ignore that much evidence?

“Babe, it’s not easy in a heteronormative world,” Maggie consoled with a gentle smile, turning to run her hands softly through Alex’s hair. They were sitting on the couch,  _ The L Word _ playing in the background when it came up again.

“I know, I know,” Alex said with a sigh. 

“Some people don’t figure it out until they’re fifty, sixty, seventy, even eighty, I imagine! It’s hard to figure yourself out as is. To add another layer, this feeling of  _ otherness _ ? Makes it a whole lot harder to figure yourself out. And while I’m not exactly glad that you had to suffer for so long and never feel quite right in your own skin, I am glad that this winding, bumpy path led to me,” Maggie said.

“You getting soft on me, Sawyer?” Alex teased.

“Only for you, babe,” Maggie affirmed. She settles comfortably into Alex’s side. “So, let’s see… We’ve covered the cute teacher, the best friend, the cute girl in your class, and the older, cool mentor. What other cliche baby gay crushes are there?” Maggie ticks them off on her fingers. Alex just shrugs, biting her lip.

“Y’know… A lot of my favorite shows from when I was younger- and even now, sort of- have a really pretty female lead. I used to have these weird fixations with them, and I’d get obsessed, convinced I would be just like them. Now, I think it was more like I wanted to be  _ with _ them,” Alex said hesitantly.

“Like who?” Maggie asked curiously.

“Ummm… Y’know JJ from  _ Criminal Minds _ ?” Alex asked, blushing. “I used to… I had a really big crush on her. And Liv from  _ Law and Order: SVU _ . And Rollins, to an extent. I  _ loved _ her little southern twang when she first joined the show,” Alex gushed. Maggie just nodded and smiled, letting Alex gush.

“I’m a big fan of Callie on  _ Grey’s Anatomy _ . Or Arizona,” Maggie agreed. “And when I was younger, I loved Lilly from  _ Hannah Montana _ .”

“Oh, yes! I loved her. She’s so pretty,” Alex sighed wistfully, remembering afternoons spent playing with her science kit or doing her homework with those shows on in the background. 

 

“Do you think… Would we still be together? If I had figured myself out… earlier?” Alex asked. Hours had passed, and they were getting ready for bed now, but clearly, Alex hadn’t stopped thinking about it. Maggie just paused, shirtless and holding her sleep shirt in her hands, rubbing the soft fabric for a moment while she thought about how to phrase this.

“Maybe we should talk to Kara and go visit one of those other universes, see if we can find out,” Maggie joked, hoping for a little levity. When she only got a weak smile from Alex, she tried again. “In all seriousness, I don’t know. You’d probably be a very different person if you had figured it out sooner. You might not-”

“This isn’t going to be some shit about me only being with you because everything’s still ‘bright and shiny’ and how if I were a seasoned gay, I wouldn’t bother being with you, is it?” Alex deadpanned. Maggie tried not to react, wanting to hide that that had been exactly where she was going with this speech.

“No?” She tried to lie, but Alex just rolled her eyes, scoffing. Before speaking again, she crossed the bedroom and tugged Maggie’s shirt on over her head.

“You’re distracting me,” she muttered at Maggie’s amused smile. She cleared her throat. “But that’s beside the point. The  _ point _ is that you are not just some experimentation for me. I’m not just with you because you’re one of the only lesbians I know. Or, like, one of the few lady-lovers I know, rather.” Maggie stifled a chuckle. “I’m serious! You’re important to me. And whether you were the first or the one-hundred-first sapphic woman I knew, I would have picked you. Because I love  _ you _ , Maggie Sawyer. Understand?”

“Then I think you just answered your own question, Danvers,” Maggie beamed.

“Huh?” 

“If we would still be together even if you had figured it out earlier on in life. I think we would, based on your arguments.” Maggie’s voice was softer now, more vulnerable but also more hesitant, as if she were afraid Alex would laugh at her.

“I guess you’re right,” Alex grinned, grabbing Maggie’s waist and kissing her softly, pulling her back to the bed. They crawled under the covers together and just held each other for a minute before Alex spoke again. “I think… maybe there are certain things that are meant to happen. In every universe, they’re going to happen. And maybe it happens differently every single time, but the end result is the same. Like… like there’s an order to things? I don’t know… maybe that sounds stupid…” Alex trailed off.

“You think we’re one of those things?” Maggie asked, wonder and surprise in her voice. “You think we’re meant to be?”

“In every universe,” Alex vowed. Maggie just whimpered softly and buried her head in Alex’s neck, overwhelmed at the sudden onslaught of emotions she was facing. Alex held her tight. Sure, maybe she didn’t figure herself out until a bit later than most people. Maybe she had missed some obvious clues to her sexuality along the way, but it had all led her here, to this moment, to this amazing woman in her arms, in her bed. And Alex wouldn’t change a damned thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's all, folks!! This chapter may have been a little awkward and maybe ooc but I've just reached this place in life where I'm kind of... content? Like, I'm gay, I'm here, this isn't changing in the near future. And I've gone through but most of my memories that I'm now realizing are super sapphic aren't as big or as amusing as these. This whole story just started as a way for me to process my own coming out and my own life, and I wanted to post it because I know a lot of other LGBT+ people might be able to relate. So, if you could relate, I'm glad and I love you and you are valid. And if you couldn't relate as much, thank you for sticking around and I love you and you are valid. Thanks for reading, everyone, and please check out some of my other stories!


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